With Valentine’s Day soon upon us, here’s a sneak peak into the correspondence I’ve been receiving asking for romantic advice (since I obviously give off the aura of being Cupid or at least Cupid’s arrow!) — so let’s see if you can detect a common theme?
How can I get my boyfriend to propose to me on Valentine’s Day?
Interesting that you let Groundhog Day pass without trying to get a diamond. I would treat Valentine’s as just another ordinary day and if he happens to acknowledge it with hearts, flowers, and candy, you’ll be pleasantly surprised. But please don’t dig inside the box of assorted chocolates, looking for a hidden surprise to show off on Facebook — unless you’d enjoy wearing butterscotch caramel nougat on your ring finger?
I completely ignored my wife on Super Bowl Sunday and now I want to redeem myself on Valentine’s Day so we can have wild sex. Any suggestions?
Dear Personal Foul,
Super Bowl seems to get scheduled later and later in February, doesn’t it? Rumor has it that in 2017, it will actually fall directly ON Valentine’s Day, forcing every marriage to make the difficult choice — “Touch your mate or Touchdown?” But a good defense would include the following: admitting you fumbled, penalizing yourself by tackling some household chores, then making a long pass at her in the bedroom. Good luck with scoring!
This Valentine’s Day we’re plotting to get our divorced parents back together by arranging a special romantic dinner for them, during which we’ll put on a cute show. Any idea of a song we can sing that will make them want to get remarried?
2 Desperate Sisters
Dear Parent Trap Twins,
Why you little sneaky Double Trouble Twosome! Just sing any Disney movie tune and it’s sure to be a successful box-office remake.
All kidding aside, I think it’s quite common that many people imbue Valentine’s Day (or night!) with high significance and expect that it be filled with great passion, while simultaneously creating future special memories. But have you ever googled the history of Valentine’s Day? It’s filled with murky tales of Saints being martyred, killed and buried. All begging that famous satirical question (and Tina Turner song lyric!) “What’s love got to do with it?”
But come February 14th, the reality is we’re all more likely to experience street traffic, crowded restaurants, higher menu prices, and chemical, caloric confections in the shape of a heart. None of which will come close to fulfilling the fantasy of a rosy Hallmark card. Thats why I’m taking a different approach on this upcoming holiday. Instead of grandiose plans that will surely result in disappointment, I’ll simply make a promise to treat all those I love with the respect and dignity they deserve EVERY single day of the year.
This includes myself! And that translates to spending the entire day taking a long hike on the beach, followed by some yoga stretches, and my meditation routine sitting atop a serene bluff — all while wearing my Spire, of course. I can’t think of any truer definition of self-care and love.
Happy Valentine’s Day!