Recent research shows that couples who sleep together, (and particularly mates that snuggle close) live longer, happier and healthier lives. However, for every study that supports night time cuddling, I can cite one that concludes sharing a bed with your significant other is not only grounds for divorce, but also perhaps a justifiable homicide.
All kidding aside, maybe these aren’t exactly scientific reports, but my own personal relationship experiences (and surveys with friends), prove that when the lights go down, the annoyance factor goes up!
Interestingly, much of the irritation has to do with the way your bedfellow breathes. Or doesn’t breathe, as the case may be. And snoring is so obvious a destructive stresser, that I’m omitting that one altogether!
Remember Seinfeld and how he had names for his certain characters with their distinctive ways of speaking like the now famous “Low Talker” and “The High Talker?” This type of labeling happens to translate quite nicely to Folks With Disruptive Sleep Habits. Behold as I bring you my Top Ten.
The 10 Most Common (and Bothersome!) Sleeping Companions!
- The Close Breather: This person won’t be satisfied until their exhalations are steaming up your neck or face like the fogging of a car window on a first date. I can’t think of anything more maddening than hot breath directed on your cheek during an already sweltering midsummer’s night’s dream.
- The TurnOver: This individual could get a part time job making Caesar salads in restaurants, they habitually toss so much. Seemingly oblivious to the rocking and rolling of the mattress, they’ll express genuine concern when you startle awake from one of their maneuvers. “What’s the matter – have a bad dream?” To which you should appropriately reply….”Yes, and it was 8.9 on the Richter scale.”
- The Erratic Inhaler: It’s normally a tranquil, relaxing experience getting lulled to sleep while listening to someone you adore settle into a regular rhythmic breathing pattern for the night. But try tuning in to the respiration of a lover who breathes in, out, in, out, in, out and then . . . nothing, one, two, three . . . still nothing, four, five six . . . more nothing, seven, eight . . . oh my goodness should I call 911? Then huge gasp! (A strong recommendation to get checked for sleep apnea if this describes your sheet-mate’s breathing behavior.)
- The Flailer Assailer: This bed bully not only thrashes his legs and smashes his arms, but elbows are often the preferred weapon of choice. And don’t expect an apology because they always have a valid reason for giving you what you deserve. And it has to do with #5.
- The Vivid Dreamer: Their nightmares put Stephen King to shame and inevitably you’re the featured antagonist in either some gruesome murder scene or else you’re the cad who’s just been unfaithful. It never fails that if you’ve had a recent argument, (especially one that’s gone unresolved) they will conjure up dreams of your affair and you’ll forever hear “you cheated on me!” for weeks to come. “That hussy!”
- The Velcro Fellow: You’ve become the human teddy bear in this person’s bedroom fantasy. No position is too uncomfortable for you to be expected to pretzel twist your body into, so they can attach themselves to you for security and comfort. And this isn’t just temporarily while you both serenely drift off after lovemaking. Nope, this is for The. Entire. Night. Think you can ditch ‘em in a vacant corner of a king sized mattress? Think again. You can run, but you cannot hide from “The Velcro Fellow.”
- The Grinder Reminder: You’ll never think of grinding as a provocative dance move again after sleeping with someone who gnashes their teeth together all night long. Emitting a sound more painful than fingernails on chalkboards, you’re probably wondering what it could possibly be a reminder for? To buy more ear-plugs, of course.
- The Temperature Tantrumer: He or she simply cannot cope with how cold or hot it is in the boudoir and you’re gonna succumb to their blanket-bombing all night long. The quilt is thrown off, no now it’s on, look out now the 15 lb. goose down comforter has been brought out and it’s coming in for a landing!
- The Talker Squalker: They jabber incessantly in their sleep (Or maybe they just have attention seeking behavior?) and at first you’ll think you’re getting special insight into their secret thoughts. “There’s too much sand on the beach for a broom. I said use a vacuum!” But amusement and intrigue soon turns to annoyance and finally rage. Be quiet, already!
- The “No big dealer” Stealer: Yes, when you awaken the next morning they have all the pillows, the sheets, and possibly even your pajamas on THEIR side of the bed. And these items were pilfered one at a time in an insidious manner — but are you going to press charges? Of course not. Simply bait the thief with the “this tag may not be removed under penalty of law!” label on your mattress pad and wait for the cops to pick them up instead.
At the end of the day (or evening!) it’s unlikely you’ll ever be able to change your bedmate’s long ingrained bad habits, so it’s best to save your breath and just check out Spire for a much more relaxing night!