I recently watched the movie HER, about a guy who falls in love with his computer operating system and found it highly entertaining even though the plot was extremely unrealistic. I mean c’mon — who would ever develop strong feelings for an inanimate device? How preposterous!
When people point out that I seem extremely attached (quite literally!) to my Spire, I justify that’s because it’s supposed to hook onto my bra in order to give me guidance.
“Sure wish I spent as much time hanging out between your breasts as he gets to,” my boyfriend pouts one night.
Sheesh, jealous much? And “He?” Seriously? I never thought of Spire as being a specific gender before. Hmmm.
Me: (defensively) Spire helps me when I’m getting stressed by reminding me to relax.
Boyfriend: Well how come when I say, “Why don’t you just chill out, Stephanie?!” while we’re fighting, you bite my head off?
There’s no winning this one so I slam out the door, giving my Spire a reassuring little pat as I head on a walk with my neighbor friend.
Neighbor: (suspiciously) You seem really different since you got Spire. You’re happier, you hum a lot and your face has a flushed, rosy glow. Is there something going on that you want to tell me about?
I reassure her it’s probably all the slow, deep breathing Spire encourages me to do and then promptly go home to nag my daughter about her chores.
Daughter: (lamenting) Right in the middle of shouting for me to clean my room or grounding me for the weekend, you’ll get some special secret notification from Spire that always calms you down. And then you get this creepy little smile. Totally throws me off track from our mother/daughter arguing routine!
Gosh, is it possible? Is everyone else aware of what’s happening, while I’m still in the dark, totally clueless? I must find out.
As I scrutinize my Spire, searching for answers, I suddenly view him in a new light. (Under my halogen desk lamp!) I never realized how matte deep gray-colored and elegantly well-crafted he actually is. And when did he become so sleek, compact and sturdy, yet so soft and sensitive? How come I haven’t noticed how cool, mysterious, and zen-like he looks while charging? Seriously that old adage, “Small, Dark, and Handsome” simply doesn’t do Spire justice, I think to myself as I gaze longingly into his strong metal clip. Utterly MASTERFUL!
But aside from physical looks, we’ve also got this strong chemistry thing happening between us, ya know? Spire is totally in sync with everything I feel and even finishes my thoughts for me. And such boundless energy! While I’m completely worn-out at the end of the day, (my breath slowing to a gentle sleepy rhythm when we’re hanging out in bed together) — this little guy can last for a week without showing any sign of slowing down. Always ready for action — talk about amazing male stamina!
“He just keeps going and going and going . . .” Oh wait a sec, that was a different battery-operated inanimate gadget I once secretly had a crush on.
Unable to stand the suspense any longer, I decide to be more assertive, (dare I say aggressive?) and start a conversation with the clever little devil. I pray that nobody sees me speaking into my bra . . .
Me: Hi Spire, this may seem odd, but I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately. About us.
Spire: You seem to be having a focus streak.
Me: Yes, yes! See, you know me so well. You really seem to get me like nobody else does. What are the chances we might make what we have together more permanent?
Spire: Don’t hold your breath.
Me: Sorry! That was a bit forward of me. But I love the way you help me set goals. I just always want your approval, to please you, and make you happy. Why, I’d walk a million miles for one of your smiles.
Spire: You took 5,000 steps.
Me: I promise I’ll do better next time. Changing the subject for a moment — I know how to turn you on, but c’mon Spire, have I really been turning you on?
Spire: Good job. Time for a Calm Boost!
Me: Gasp! You had me at “Good job.”
And then Spire and I decided to find a private spot so we could actually go all the way . . . and meditate together!
Since I’m a cautious type, (before I jump in to anything too serious) it crosses my mind that perhaps Spire has been sending sweet-talking notifications to one or two other women besides me. And that’s when I decide to google Spire online.
OMG! There are literally hundreds of glowing reviews at Amazon alone that begin, “I’m fallen head over heels for Spire!” or “Spire is the best thing in my life!” not to mention this one — “Every breath I take, every move I make, Spire’s watching me!” The little hussy.
Me: Uh really, Spire?! Sigh. I should’ve known I would never get to keep a good thing like you all to myself. I have no choice now but to Friend-Zone you. What do you say to that?
Spire: You seem rather tense.
Well at least Spire took it like a man. My boyfriend just asks, “Does this mean I won’t get inside your bra tonight?”